WHY?

June 14th, I was using whatsApp and saw some status with Sushant Singh Rajput’s image. I thought may be it was his birthday but those were captioned with RIP. It gave me chills down my spine. Then my thoughts went to some accidents or disease but I came to know he commited suicide. It felt like a personal loss when I knew I was not able to control my tears. All these few days, my mind was restless with heavy thoughts. All those thoughts revloved around the same question why.

Why do I feel like this?

The first Sushant’s movie I saw was M.S.Dhoni: the untold story. I love Dhoni beyond words and that movie was beautifully portrayed by SSR. I almost forgot it was some actor not Dhoni himself. I was able to see that movie countless time till last week but that movie will not be the same hereafter. Then I saw PK, in which he played only few scenes. During this lockdown, I saw chhichhore. It was a very beautiful movie with a good message. I cried whenever he cried in that movie. I felt what a great actor he was, then I started following his instagram accounts and all his social media activities. My love for him increased after one incident. I got a request from completely random instagram account from some north-Indian. That profile was followed by SSR. I thought may be the person using the account was some celebrity in their place but he was nothing but SSR’s fan. Then when I saw Sushant’s profile he followed thousands of his fans. I felt respect for him at that moment. All these love for him felt the loss when I heard the news. Now many people are posting the good deeds of him. It makes my heart weep a lot than ever for him. It feels strange for me to feel such love for a person whose only 3 movies I have seen till now.

Why did he commit suicide?

I was literally scavenging through social medias and NEWS channels to find out the reason for that. There are many reasons posted by many people. Clinical depression, he felt left out because of all the nepotism in his industry but we don’t know the real reason because he didn’t leave a suicide note or a message. So the real reason may be anything. These days people are becoming angry because of nepotism in bollywood and there has been few movements for boycotting such films. I too feel the anger rising in me seeing all the posts where SSR was not treated properly. I also read somewhere that he was removed from 7 movie production houses. He must have been devastated but we don’t know the real reason.

Why this sudden sensation?

Sushant had everything that we think is the only most important thing in life. He had talent both acting and education, had a well paid job, had abundant money and fame. We are running behing money all through our life and suddenly someone with all that commits suicide. If he died of other causes, we would have blamed fate. But he killed himself and we feel sorry for him. So we cannot blame him for his death. We find other people to blame and show all our anger towards them. We say terms like nepotism, clinical depression and other terms we don’t even understand. We don’t know what to do. So we post things to be there for people around us. We want to show that we have sympathy for the dead. We are not ready to let him go. We blame people for letting him die but why are we intrested so much in this? We are afraid. We are afraid that all our life in search of more money, all our struggle to study to earn money and all our time we spent on earning money will not give happiness as we expected. We will forget all this in some time and start running for money again. It is just a sensation for somedays untill next big news hits us.

Why is mental health hot topic today?

You people post things like “You are not alone” “Speak up” ” Mental health is important”. Why do you post this only after SSR died? You don’t care what is going on with everyone’s life. You don’t even read or listen completely what other people are trying to say. I am sure not everyone of you will read this post completely. Because I know how it feels to be depressed and how people will react to depression. I have posted 2 posts in Instagram with very long captions when I was feeling devasted, depressed and stressed out. But do you know what happened after I posted that? Do you know how people reacted? Many didn’t even care to read the whole passage, some without even reading posted comments like “what happened?” ” WHY are you posting this?” , some others asked me personally about what happened and when I said nothing they left saying “Okay. Don’t feel” and only a very few acknowledged my feelings and said that they understand what I am going through and they will be there with me in this turmoil. Others I have mentioned above are those people now posting speak up in social media.

When I spoke up where were you? Only after I die you will see my post, read and blame some others for letting me die. You won’t do anything other than blaming others. You will post that caption of me and will say,” she must have gone through a lot. Rest in peace.” Wow! Thank you for posting. I will be peaceful after I die because I will not be having to deal with you people.

Speaking up is not easy. Don’t post things like speak up. Sushant has been undergoing psychiatric treatment for past 6 months according to sources. Are those treatments not about speaking up? Then why did he die? People in depression have to speak up only when they want to. Not when you want them to speak up. If there is a proper environment for me to speak up, then I definitely will. The environment where I no longer will be judged and no longer blaming is not a part of it.

When I feel sad, don’t tell me not to feel. What am I then? I am human. I am supposed to feel.

When I cry, don’t tell me not to cry. Be there for me with a glass of water and a tissue.

When I say something to you about depression or stress, acknowledge my thoughts and don’t question.

Don’t ever say let it go. If letting it go was so easy, then why am I here in the first place.

We people who suffer from depression have seen darkness within and outside. Be our lights. Not your words or not even our words when we speak things up like you say will help us. Being there for us always. Being there doesn’t mean physically. Being there is a state of mind. It can only be understood when you really mean. We can understand that even from your slightest action like a little pat on the hand, holding hands, hugging and saying things you really mean. It may be even a good morning message.

This post is just a mess like my head. I just wanted to let my mess out in the form of words. Sorry for this post.

I had mixed emotions for the past week after death of SSR and the post social media activities regarding his death. His death is not related to us in any way. But do not post something in social media just to make sure you are socially available. Post things when you really mean it and please do that if you mean it.

I saw my friend posting a Instagram story against those who posted funny means after few hours of the death news. I can feel he is irritated because he thought people are not being sensitive to a death and they move on so easily after posting a RIP status and after few hours posting other funny stuff. My dear friend, it is what life is all about. Death is a part of life and feeling sorry for a person who is not related to me personally shows my humanity. Just because I post some other stuff doesn’t mean I lost humanity. It means I have accepted the fact that he died and let him have his peace. If I hurt you personally, then I am sorry. But this has nothing to do with you.

He has died battling with all emotions. Finally he let go like you people said. He didn’t want to feel like you people said. He didn’t want to cry like you people said. He finally chose and decided on his own and died.

It is better to be dead on own decision, than to live a life based on other’s.

Then I realized, we should stop asking “why” to the people who suffer, instead we should be there for them even without knowing the reason. Do you only care for them when they say you their problem? Why not? Why not people? Why not stay and be there for people without questioning!

It is a request. Stop asking people why they are sad. Instead be there and say why not we go through this together. If you want to cry, I will be your shoulder. I don’t want your reasons. I want you.

Love without reasons and conditions.

People don’t want solutions. People need people, not judges.

I love you all.